Tuesday, December 2, 2008

my sweet boy made it all better for me......

So I wanted to put up this video of Sammy practicing his "turning". His walking has been a slow process (yay!) He made is first "turn around" over the weekend where instead of stopping and getting on all fours to crawl and face other direction he just pivoted. Of course he was ever so wobbly and fell almost every attempt, it was pretty funny to watch. Well tonight I was on the phone with Leslie when Sam told me to look at Sammy... there he was in the middle of the living room floor just walking in a circle. He must have made about 6 or 7 laps! He just would walk a few steps and turn then a few steps more and turn, it was the funniest thing to see! His circle was about 3 feet in diameter and he just kept going around. Of course by the time I grabbed the camera I missed it but it really made me stop and think...

I have been feeling rather overwhelmed with grad school, it is just so much harder with a baby. It was already difficult balancing marriage and grad school, plus maintaining other relationships.. but now with Sammy, wow. It is SUCH a blessing to be able to take him to Gloria but we can only afford to use her M-Thurs so I am home with him Friday and then the weekend. It is so wonderful to spend that extra time with him but my progress in my PhD program has really suffered. I used to work 10 to 12 hours a day plus weekends (very easy when your husband is a cop working night shift and sleeping during the day!) but now with Sammy I get NO work done on the weekends and then only about 7 hours a day M-Th. then stay up working when he goes to bed, which means I am always tired and have headaches. So.. needless to say it has been somewhat stressful.

I try to remind myself of my priorities and I am learning to stop comparing myself to others in my program who are not married with family. This semester has been so rough though, just when I get momentum and I am really cranking out my work, submissions, etc.. then something comes up with Gloria or Sammy was sick, or a few other things and what do you know, I have to miss another day. I just feel like for the last month I have been playing catch up. I am supposed to take my qualifying exams in a couple of weeks and I am no where close to ready and thus have to reschedule them, which is VERY disheartening and discouraging and I feel looks bad. It will officially put me "off track" which is scary. Plus, one of my articles we are submitting needs analyses reran..again.. ugh. Things like that just got me down and a while back I was really considering just cutting my losses and dropping out and working at a shoe store or somewhere (j/k). Thankfully, I have an amazing support system who encourage me and pray with me and got me thinking right again. I KNOW that this is God's plan for me to complete this degree so I can do the work He has planned for me so I trust that He will get me through this. I really have been praying about staying focused and not getting discouraged. I thought I was doing better but then found out today that Gloria can't keep Sammy all next week. Unfortunately she has to go in for a biopsy on Friday and can't lift things all the following week (please pray for her that doctors won't find anything and this will just be precautionary) . Obviously way more important than my drama. Things such as this went into our decision to have Sammy in a home setting rather than formal daycare, a disadvantage but in the end well worth the excellent care he receives. It was hard to hear though given the timing.. the end of the semester is so busy. I have about a hundred papers left to grade plus my submission to get out, 3 conference presentations in the spring that will need things ready so should start now, my senior thesis student, oh yea.. let's not forget my entire study I run and my dissertation. Geeez.....

I made some phone calls tonight and it doesn't look promising for finding help next week, so you see, I was feeling PRETTY discouraged this evening but prayed that either God would work it out OR He would change my perspective and renew my motivation, commitment to finishing, and reassure me that even though I am getting farther and farther behind I WILL finish and hopefully in good standing. Then.... ..Sammy started turning and doing his circles. It was exactly what I needed. He started blowing kisses a few months ago but recently he does it A LOT more frequently, it's so sweet. In the car while we are talking or praying together I hear... smooch.. and I look back and he will be grinning and pointing at me. He blows them at us while he is playing, eating, and last night when I laid him in bed, his eyes were closed but there was one little smile and a smooch then he was off to dreamland. Anyway, he finished his circles and blew me a few kisses then crawled in my lap and gave me one of his perfect hugs and my prayers were answered.. I now see things differently. All my school worries just left me and seemed so trivial. So I graduate late..big deal, I will still have the exact same degree, just a little later and the amazing reason why was in my arms! I would never dream of changing a thing, so if graduating late is the price I pay to have such sweet moments with my sweet family then so be it! I was reassured that God will see me through this and I refuse to let stress and worry steal my joy. These words come to my mind... "So, hang in there. You're time is coming soon. And if there are any delays, it's only because God doesn't have the perfect job ready for you just yet"... words from an email I received a few days ago from an old professor of mine who is so dear to me. She had sent some encouraging words of wisdom for me and the above was at the end of this particular paragraph. I am first of all so thankful for her and for the way God used her to speak to me. God is working it all out, including my future job. It all comes down to trust. I need to just trust Him. Right now I need to be the best wife, mommy, and grad student I can be. God gave me each of these roles at this time and He knows what He is doing.. I mean, after all, He is God. So as long as I keep on doing my best in each of these, not being perfect just doing my best and then trusting Him, He will work it all out. He will fill in the gaps when I can't. I am not superwoman but I don't have to be either, what a relief! So.. as for next week.. I will just give my best effort to find a way to still meet my deadlines and if I can't then so be it. I am Sammy's mommy first and then a grad student and whether I get my work competed next week or not, I WILL finish this degree! I am determined! Let's just all pray Sammy won't be in high school when it happens..... and that I won't be so senile by then that I don't even know what is going on at my own graduation. Ha ha! Had to make fun of myself a little. With that being said though, I need to fully embrace the fact that I am going to be delayed in graduating and stop worrying about it. There really isn't anything I can do that I am not already doing. I need to enjoy my last year (here's hoping) in grad school. Although stressful, grad school is soo much fun! I am surrounded by brilliant people all day and am exposed to so much amazing research in so many areas, and I get to travel so much, it really has been an amazing few years. I mean, c'mon. I went to a talk on taste buds. Now how else would I have learned I am a "Super Taster" (us Super Tasters are very rare folks, only 1 in 300) if I wasn't in grad school.

I am so thankful for Sammy's little circles tonight! That moment of pure happiness and delight with him gave me all the reassurance I needed that I can and will do this. I didn't catch his full circles on my camera but he did do a few more basic turn arounds while I had it on, still funny to see how hard he tries and yes.. that is almost all of his dinner in his hair. =)
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